L’appel Du Vide

I exist, yet there is a longing for more. Toska, I feel it consuming every inch of me. paralyzing ennui that seldom lets up. Standing atop the chasm of bounding youth, ignorant adolescence, comforting childhood, I look across the precipice and see old age at the other side, i have made this jump once before, and was lucky to make the jump back. I hear it ringing in my ears, L'appel du vide. instinctively i fall from so great a height, adulthood waits at the bottom, the solace to my toska.

The Devil Made Me Do It.

it used to be for me that the blame so easily fell on my surroundings,responsibility was cast aside when the blame was somewhere else. it was so easy for me to fuck my life up and blame it on my parents, so easy for me to squander my intellect and talent, and blame it on my lack of guidance, so easy for me to blame my depression on my grandfathers death, so easy for me to call my addictions phases, yet in blaming others it brings me no solace, in blaming others my sins are not absolved. we used to say the devil made us do it, but in these modern times, we are the devil. the blame falls on us. the blame falls on me. my parents did their best to raise me, the cannot be blamed for their shortcomings. i squander my intellect and talent because i do not want the responsibility that comes with having to shape them into a truly moving force of good. i should have sought out my own guidance not expect it from my elders. my depression comes from within, it was there before my grandfather past, his passing but a dull echo in my mind. the sadness is loneliness, i haven't quite found myself, and am discontented with everything until i find what it is that makes me tick. my addictions are mine alone, they were not passed down from my father, they are my burden, they are my problems. it was my lust for pleasure, my trying to fill up the emptiness inside myself, and all the damage from my binging is mine and mine alone. fret not, i feel no despair, in taking responsibility for my actions past, present, and future, a calming emptiness fills me. the void in my life has been so obvious yet i have hardly seen it until now. there is happiness here, and for once i can say in peace, i made me do it.

In Losing, Gaining so Much More.

she was always there, a wind that blew through my core. a hollowing scraping emptiness, a beautiful Ecstasy, the feeling of smallness. she clasped me at birth, bathed me in sensation, gave meaning to all of this she was there, always. It wasn't the fights she let erupt in my childhood, ugly scarring fights that leave me so much older when the echos of the shouts fade, when the bruises begin to pulse. It wasn't the fear she instilled into my grandmother, the fear that flowed over pouring from her soul into my young fragile mind. taunting us with visions of the end, asking for our faith and promising disaster. it wasn't when she decided my aunts and uncles where meaningless. she scattered their ashes to the winds, left their earthly forms to rot. like a thief she stole them and never apologized. it wasn't when she ate up every moment of my childhood, when she willed my father to leave, when she aged me with each passing day. it wasn't when she decided the only person worth anything in my life was nothing more than a distraction. I'm not sure when it was, or what the final straw was, but i remember the fallout. the hollowing scraping emptiness, the beautiful Ecstasy, the feeling of being so vast and connected to it all, waking from a dream and into reality, and infinite reality, and infinite life. I still see her clasping her arms around the old and young, filling them with her love, her selfish and giving love, i used to be bitter and and brood, stubbornly ignoring her, scorning her, hating her. yet i pass her daily as to old lover pass knowing the secrets within her, feeling her pry the secrets from within me, knowing that eventually will make up and she'll clasp me in her holy embrace. when we embrace once more it shall be as one god to another, lovers shaping the universe, making the empty vast nothingness, into something.

The Longest Pause

i had given up on my aspirations to be a great writer, to be a great artist. i had practiced both regularly, i had practiced both religiously, yet as time ebbed complication expanded and the greater joys in my life fell away to the duties i had felt i needed to serve. i lost faith and energy in my creative process i began to analyze it to the point of exhaustion. i know longer knew what i did i just knew how i did it. strange rituals seemed so close to memory, yet so far removed from normalcy. what or who was i? was i making these decisions consciously? I felt so disconnected, feel so disconnected. the man of my past, is not the man i am today. the man i am now is so far from being the boy i once was. the world is contracting at an alarming rate and i feel that for once in my life I am not alone in a vast expanse of frozen space-time. the repercussions of recognizing others is mind numbing. I read somewhere that the human brain registers isolation in the same part of brain as pain. do i finally have a chance at reaching beyond my bubble and expanding myself? or have the endorphins kicked in after 20 years of solitude? I'm moving on, I'm exploring my surroundings and looking for something new. I'm putting a new chapter in the tome, after so long a pause i hardly know what to include, yet i cant stop. i can never stop, i just have to let go, to hold on to everything i know.

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